The Importance of Asking Questions

Talking with people you don't know can be awkward and uncomfortable for both parties, but as a businessperson or consultant, you need to do it well. Here's how you can use questions to break the ice and develop relationships with people you've just met.

The ability to conduct a strong interview is, perhaps, the most important arrow in a consultant’s quiver. Shot with confidence and good intent, it pierces the awkwardness that naturally exists between two professionals who do not know each other.

My daughter is twenty-two and just graduated from college. Recently, I helped her move from Atlanta to DC, settling her in before she started her first job. U-haul trailer in tow, we had plenty of time during the ten-hour drive to talk in the car.

Somewhere around Greenville, South Carolina, she asked me about networking. She said her mentors told her to cultivate a network in her new job, that it would be key to her success in DC, but added, “Sometimes it feels awkward to chat at a cocktail party with people you don’t know about more professional topics that aren’t ‘social.’”

“Ask questions,” I said. “Everyone likes to be asked questions.”

She looked puzzled.

“Ask them about their job. Get them to open up. What do you do? Oh, the EPA.  What role do you play there? What are the three biggest challenges facing the agency right now? What are the competing schools of thought on how to best respond? What are other countries doing? Is there something to be learned from their experience?”

This is a variation on the idea that strong understanding comes from asking what Toyota used to call the “five whys.”

“You’re weird. It sounds like you’re interrogating them.”

“I’m telling you — a funny thing happens when you ask questions about people. They think you’re smart — and they enjoy the conversation more.”

You might think people like being interviewed because they like to hear themselves talk — that it’s vanity, a shiny mirror we put in front of people that lets them admire themselves, but I disagree. I think thoughtful questions are an invitation to create new understanding.

Look at the cocktail conversation again.

“What do you do?”

We get this question a dozen times in a week and most of the time, we answer back with a canned response.

“I work for the EPA.”

The canned response is a challenge, really. Having just told you what I do, I’m asking, “Are you really interested in that question or was that just polite chit-chat” The ball having been volleyed back, you have two choices. You can talk about the Knicks or you can say, “What role do you play there?” You can choose to go deeper. Go down that path and you are signaling you have more than a passing interest in the subject. You are saying, “I’m listening. I’m interested. Here’s a platform. I invite you to speak more on something about which you know quite a lot.”

Most people don’t get that invitation very often. Their spouses don’t ask. It doesn’t come up at the swim club. Their children don’t dig in on any given evening.

In I and Thou, Martin Buber writes,

“Man wishes to be confirmed in his being by man, and wishes to have a presence in the being of the other. Secretly and bashfully he watches for a YES which allows him to be and which can come to him only from one human person to another.”

When we honor those with whom we are in a relationship — treating them as a gift and not as objects — we invite the best in them to surface.

Most of us are busy rowing through life like conscripts in the Carthaginian navy. It’s rare we are invited to the foredeck and asked our opinion on the shape of the world. Not only is it a compliment to be asked, but more importantly, it is an invitation to think on a new, higher level. When we are asked good questions, we say things that surprise us. That’s because the question causes synapses to connect with each other in new ways. In speaking, we are engaging in the creation of new insights.

Asking great questions gives those with whom you are speaking the high gift of insight, perhaps verbalized for the first time. You are saying to them, “You work all day in a specific world. That gives you a unique and informed perspective that is valuable. What is it? Share with me your wisdom.”  Which, if you think about it, is at the core of what we do as trusted advisors.  We don’t have all the answers so much as we are eager to catalyze a process that develops answers in our clients.  Our clients pay us to solve problems and good questions, thoughtfully asked, are the ground on which that value is built.

https://www.businessknowhow.com/growth/ask-questions.htm

LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE TODAY! | DAN PENA MOTIVATION

Create Greater Success with Effective Goal Setting

Whether your big dream is to start your own business, earn more money in your job, or simply have more time to spend with your family, it all starts out with setting a goal. You can improve the odds that you'll achieve your goals by following these steps.

It’s relatively easy to set your goals, even if you have never done it or not done it much before. You start by breaking down a broad mission a dream into workable smaller parts.  You begin by writing down your broad mission and dream goals so you can create goals today that will put you on the path of achieving these long-range goals.  Put a specific date by each goal that represents when you would like to have it achieved.  The more short-term goals you create, the better, because it will fill you with more confidence as you achieve them on your road to even greater success.

Keep in mind that just writing all your professional and personal goals out on paper is not exactly a great accomplishment, in itself.  True, by thinking your plan through this far you have already done more than the average dreamer out there.  Thinking is not exactly doing though, is it?

What really matters, and what will make you ultimately successful in life, is taking action.

This is why it’s important to write down your goals with specific target dates for completion.  When you do this, it will help you actually accomplish your goals.  When you accomplish your short-term goals you know that you are on the path to achieving your long-range goals.  How would you feel to know this?  How would it feel to know that you are more consistently achieving your goals?

Let’s say you want to open a new office in another part of town.  You will want to put the exact date (month, day and year) you would like to have it open for business as the first step.  Then you will write down all the activities required for you to achieve this goal along with specific dates for completion.  As you check each activity off the list you know you are coming closer to opening the door of a new office on the date you specified.  You can always change any of your goals along the way, if you need to.  If you think one of your goals is especially intimidating, then try pushing it back to a later date.  You are not abandoning this goal, but perhaps moving it from the one-year mark to the two-year mark.

Remember to write each goal in a positive light and approach each new step with excitement.  It will help to put in exact dates and amount of money you need to help you visualize the plan and measure your achievements.

Fulfilling Your Goals

How can you write a plan when you don’t know the future?  Make no mistake about it: life isn’t always fair, and you can rest assured that things will probably not go your way at least once or twice. I simply call this, ‘life happens.’ Why does this happen?  It may not be due to any mistake on your part.  Sometimes you have to plan for the unpredictable element.

You cannot predict the future, so attempting to determine the outcome of your every endeavor might leave you feeling disappointed.  Instead, focus on what you wish to accomplish with the experience.  You can certainly determine your own performance.  Try and set goals that you have more direct control over.  This way, even a financial or personal setback will not interfere with the achievement itself.  There could be any number of obstacles that could prevent an outcome-oriented goal from being accomplished: Government law could inhibit your professional goals. Weather or climate could ruin an important event.  A bad economy could prevent you from achieving high numbers for the year.

You must also beware that others should not influence you to set unrealistic goals based on outcome or performance.  Your views on what success means could be influenced by the media, by employers or even by one’s own family.  The problem is, when others try and set the standard for success, they do so in ignorance of your personal desires and ambitions.  What makes one person successful does not necessarily make you happy.  What one person sees as high performance in a short period of time, you may well consider exhausting or you don’t view it as high performance, based on your own circumstances, desires, and ambition.

Setting Smart Goals

If you are looking for a system of goal setting that is easy to remember then consider the word “SMART.”  This acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timed.  Your goals should be specific, measurable, and at the same time relevant to your vision and measurable in physical terms.  Some people think their goals have to be ‘realistic.’  Realistic is somewhat relative.  I believe that setting a goal that may seem a bit out of reach or a challenge works to motivate me more.  If I don’t achieve this goal I still feel better that it was a stretch over what I would have set it I set a realistic goal.  You need to set your goals the way it motivates you the most.  Lastly, by attaching timing to your performance-oriented goals, you can induce yourself to take action.

Remember that you can and should modify your goals as time passes.  As you gain valuable life experience, you may find that some goals are just too easy.  If this is the case then you may want to rewrite those goals to be more personally challenging.  On the contrary, you may find that some goals are beyond your capacity, at least within a short period of time.

You may decide that it’s best to rework some of your goals into a more manageable solution.  This is acceptable.  I call this course correcting at any time.  What’s important is that you are continuing to pursue your objective and prospering at your own pace.  This is far more effective than setting very unrealistic goals and then falling by the wayside because of discouragement.  As long as you have a plan, then you are heading in the right direction.

You must write your plan with a view to taking action.  Goal setting means nothing unless you actually follow through with your plans to finish each step.  Do not sabotage your future by creating goals that are not in-synch with your abilities or time frame.  Start slowly and work your way towards the top of the mountain.  See the difference that goal setting makes in your life and as the quality of your life starts to improve.  Begin today.

One of the Greatest Speeches Ever | Jeff Bezos

How To Be A Team Leader Through Influence

Countless experts on leadership have emphasized that in order to lead, you have to put yourself last. While there is some truth in that, it is also true that to be a good leader, you have to be your best self, which means focusing at least some of your energy on yourself.

We have all heard the phrase, “There is no ‘I' in team.” However, in reality, there are actually two. Understanding the role each “I” plays in your team will result in great leaders who lead great teams. Before you can be a leader of anyone or anything, you need to have some understanding of yourself. 

One of the things our world is currently teaching us is to put others first: the customer comes first, your family comes first, your *insert group here* comes first. However, if you continually put others first, where does that leave you?

This is a topic I discuss on a weekly basis, and usually when I begin this discussion, I immediately get people jumping to conclusions regarding selfishness, narcissism, religion, and politics. These are all important things to consider; they have legitimate influence that we, as individuals and as leaders, must understand.

People often associate with what is most prevalent in their lives—the things that create the most noticeable influence. I understand the knee-jerk reaction to assume that focusing on yourself means that you are selfish or narcissistic; however, this is not always the case. I recommend putting yourself first in order to be the best leader for your team. We have all had experience with those who do put themselves first, only think about themselves, and do not use this mentality for the betterment of anyone except themselves. Many of us have even worked for someone who says, “Do as I say, not as I do,” thinking they are above the standard they preach. 

To start, you must understand this: the word “individual” is not always singular. In its most basic use, it implies that we are discussing one singular being or thing. But when many individuals are working together as a team, they become one Individual (which I will characterize with a capitalized I). They are, collectively, Individual because they are moving together towards the same goal as one.

As an individual, the single most important responsibility you have in life is the influence you have over those you lead or those that are influenced by you. In every aspect of your life, for all entities which you have influence over, you deserve and owe it to others and yourself to be the best you can be. This is your responsibility as being the only you this world has. 

Leaders must be their best self in order to lead their team effectively. To be your best, you must center yourself, understand what influences you, and what influence you have on others. When you have a strong sense of self and understand your spheres of influence, you ensure that you are always in the best position to lead your Individual team. By extension, your Individual team has a great influence on others too, both singular individuals and collective Individuals.

Finding a balance between being the best for yourself and leading your team while not coming across as arrogant or condescending, can be difficult for most people. As the leader of any group (appointed, hired, or gifted), humans assume that the title defines your role. If you are the owner or executive of a company, people generally assume you have some inherent right to treat people as you see fit to accomplish the goals that you have been tasked with either creating, managing or both. 

There are some circumstances where hierarchy dictates immediate observance of a position, without a lot of effort having been put into earning any real respect. For example, in the military, you may have a 22-year-old come out of one of the military academies and assume leadership of men twice his age with more knowledge and experience, yet they defer to the new officer. However, in that world there are standards and policies that govern and protect the true leadership needs so that the individual coming from an academy can assume leadership while simultaneously leaning on the experience of the individual who does not have rank; here, the whole Individual unit gains from the influence each individual has.

If we assume a leadership role is an emotional thing when we become the leader of other individuals we can experience a number of internal feelings. Those feelings we get can help us or hinder us. Anxiety can numb our ability to make decisions, trust other team members, and trust our own decisions. Fear has the same effect. While these are negative on the surface, they play a part in tempering some of our other human emotions and feelings, such as confidence or aggressiveness.

These negative feelings are usually fed by ego. Ego can be the one thing that turns what should be positive and pragmatic leadership into narcissistic, dictatorial leadership. Would you be surprised to learn that a great many people don’t quit jobs because of the work? Many people quit because of the lack of leadership and poor influence they receive as part of the organization. 

Look at any company with high turnover and most of the time it will be because of a lack of positive leadership. How do you control those inner impulses that tell you that you’re the boss so what you say goes? You earned this right, didn’t you? You put your time in, or you got that degree, or you were born into the right family. 

That feeling that you are better than everyone should not influence how you treat other individuals. If you have those feelings, put them into perspective. Who is really making you great? If you put the time in, someone taught you. You had a mentor or teacher or someone who helped you get to where you are now. 

The fact is that to be a good leader you need to recognize your value. Your value as a leader is your influence to help people work together for the benefit of the company, the team, and all the other individuals they all influence. When you recognize this and use your influence in a positive way, you create more positive influence. 

One example I like to use is the kitchen exhaust cleaning (KEC) industry. These are companies that clean the kitchen exhaust hoods for restaurants and cooking industries; it is a dirty and thankless job. The pay is generally menial, and the labor is treated as such. If you poll owners of these companies around the country, most of them will complain about the high turnover and blame it on the dirty job, lousy hours, and lower pay. 

I could introduce you to KEC companies that don’t have these problems. They have the same job, work during the same hours, and charge the same, or similar, amounts. The difference is the influence the leaders have created for their companies. The customers don’t look at these people as menial; they look at them as fire safety professionals because that is the purpose of their work. That is how leaders communicate. The leaders pay wages commensurable with the value of the work being performed; for that, they get quality work and content individuals that understand the importance of their work.

How you convey to yourself and your team the meaning of your work, individually and together Individually, is the influence that can set the foundation for your leadership. Leading with a positive attitude and setting an example for your team will set you apart from those who lead through demand, fear, or expectation. How you view yourself will have a dramatic influence on how others perceive you. Positively influencing your team by being your best self will allow your team to perceive you as a leader who supports their, and the company’s, overall goals. Your team will give you the respect you deserve when you lead them with the influence that they deserve. 

The No.1 Habit Billionaires Run Daily

How To Improve Your Self Talk

Self-talk is our internal dialog -- the words we say to ourselves. These words reflect and create our emotional-physiological states. We can feel confident or nervous, motivated or discouraged, often depending on what we tell ourselves.

"Oh no! I have to speak at the committee meeting next week! I can't possibly find time to prepare for it. I'll do a terrible job. I always get nervous and make mistakes. It will just be another disaster. I'm such a klutz!"

Do you recognize this negative self-talk? Sounds dismal and depressing, doesn't it? How many times have you had a similar conversation with yourself? Let's try it again.

"Gee, I get to speak at the committee meeting next week! Hmmm. Maybe I can rearrange my schedule to allow for preparation time. The last time I spoke, I felt nervous and made mistakes. I'm sure I can do better this time. I know I can improve if I keep at it."

Does that sound different?

Self-talk is our internal dialog--the words we say to ourselves. These words reflect and create our emotional-physiological states. We can feel confident or nervous, motivated or discouraged, often depending on what we tell ourselves. Self-talk can influence self-esteem, outlook, energy level, performance and relationships with others. It can even affect health, determining how we react to stress, and how easily we change bad habits such as smoking, overeating, or drinking.

Many of us are careful about how we communicate with others, but give little thought to how we communicate with ourselves. To improve the way you communicate with yourself, the first step is to recognize negative self-talk and replace it with positive self-talk. This article will tell you how.

Avoiding the Negative

How would you feel if a friend said to you, "You're just not smart enough! You screw everything up!" Some friend! Yet, do you ever talk that way to yourself? Perhaps it's a defense mechanism against the possibility of making mistakes. Perhaps a pre-emptive self-rejection will somehow lessen the hurt if others reject you or disapprove of your ideas. Negative thinking really doesn't make things better. Negativity breeds pessimism and anxiety. It impedes problem-solving, distorts perceptions, and hinders interpersonal relationships. Cognitive psychologists, such as author and founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis, have identified the types of "irrational" thinking that forms the basis of negative self-talk. Here are a few examples:

• Focusing Only on Problems: This means complaining and focusing only on what's wrong, rather than on what could be done to solve the problem.
• "Catastrophizing": Everything that goes wrong is a horrible disaster! We expect the worst and magnify problems.
• Stereotyping: We put others into preconceived (usually negative) categories so that we don't have to bother with understanding them, or seeing how they are similar to us.
• "Shoulds": Sometimes we think we should choose what others want us to, rather what we truly want to do. When we give in to the "shoulds," we feel resentful, but if we don't we feel guilty! Too often we judge our own or another's behavior by saying what they "should have done." It's like closing the barn door after the cow has run away. "Should have done" doesn't solve the problem.
• Thinking in black and white: We think in extremes without allowing for shades of grey. The project was either a complete success or a complete failure.
• Blaming: Instead of looking for a solution to the problem, we look for someone to blame.
• "Yes-but": When someone offers advice or a new point of view, we think of reasons why that won't work.
• Generalizing: We take a few examples, or maybe even one, and generalize what we perceive to an entire class or category. "I can do anything right. Everyone hates me!"

Examine Your Self-Talk

You can replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. Listen to what you say to yourself. According to Harriet Braiker, author of Getting Up When You're Feeling Down, negative self-talk usually occurs when emotions are in turmoil, or during a stressful event or personal transition.

When you find yourself using negative self-talk, take a deep breath, calm yourself, and remove yourself from the situation if you can. Some psychologists recommend saying a commanding "STOP!" to yourself to jar yourself out of a negative rut. Ask yourself: "Is what I'm saying to myself true? Are there other possibilities, solutions, or explanations?"

You can replace your negative self-talk with objective and encouraging thoughts. Fill your mind with uplifting ideas. Read inspiring books. Listen to joyful music. Hang out with upbeat people! Give recognition to your strengths and comfort yourself when things go wrong. Let your self-talk sound like the soothing words of a friend, counselor, or mentor. As your self-talk improves, commit to changing your actions accordingly. Braiker says, "Thinking correctly does alter your negative moods, but enduring change comes only with modifying your behavior."

Say "Yes!" to Affirmations

One way to get into the habit of positive self-talk is by using affirmations. Affirmations are short, declarative statements that you repeat to yourself often in order to change your limiting beliefs and sullen attitudes. "I am an asset to my company" is a positive affirmation. Affirmations gain power through repetition because our emotions, perceptions, and actions are shaped by our most dominant thoughts.

Much of negative self-talk is actually negative affirmations. Examples are, "I'm just a klutz," or "I have a terrible memory for names." Unfortunately, such oft-repeated ideas can actually lower our expectations of ourselves, reinforce weaknesses and bad habits, and decrease performance.

No one is completely sure how affirmations work. Perhaps repeated thoughts form neural pathways in the brain that eventually streamline to the point of being automatic. Alternatively, the theory of cognitive dissonance states that the mind cannot entertain two opposing ideas simultaneously and as the mind tries to resolve the difference, the idea that receives the most repetition will win out. The theory of psycho-cybernetics states that frequent thoughts represent goals which the subconscious mind will strive to actualize. Thus, what we most often tell ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Guidelines for Affirmations

Make your affirmations personal. Don't try to change others. Your affirmations should reflect your goals and values. Personal affirmations contain words such as "I" and "me" and "my."

State your affirmations in the present tense. If your affirmations are future-oriented (as in "I will...") then your subconscious may feel no urgency to produce results now. If you feel awkward expressing an affirmation in the present tense, as in "I am a confident speaker," then state your affirmation as a process of improvement instead: "Each day I am more confident in my speaking abilities."

Make your affirmations believable and realistic so that you say them with sincerity. Begin with small achievable goals and eventually work up to bigger achievements. "I am the world's greatest teacher" is a fine affirmation, but probably more believable as "I am a good teacher who knows my subject matter and I get along well with my students."

State affirmations in the positive. If you state your affirmations in the negative, it only focuses your thoughts on the things you want to avoid. For example, you could say "I don't eat fattening foods," or you could say "I eat nutritious, slenderizing foods." Which statement is more motivating? If I say to you "Don't think about a blue cow!" what image comes to mind? A blue cow, of course! But I told you NOT to think of a blue cow! Be careful where you direct your thinking because that's where your energy follows.

Make your affirmations short and easy to remember. "I like myself," is better than "I am now achieving the psychological state of self-esteem and personal dignity that is essential to positive mental health."

Affirmations can become a part of your daily routine. Write them on index cards and post them in prominent places in your home and office. Make a tape recording of affirmations and play it for yourself as you fall asleep at night. Set your affirmations to music and sing them! Say them aloud while driving alone in your car. Write them in a journal. Make posters of them for your walls. Have your favorite one printed on a tee-shirt. Everyone I know who uses affirmations can attest to their beneficial influence---and you can too!

Decades ago, the great French philosopher René Descartes stated this simple concept: "Cogito, ergo sum." It means "I think, therefore I am." If, indeed, the act of thinking is a measure of existence, then there is surely a relationship between the quality of our thoughts and the quality of our lives. Let's value our internal dialogs and keep our self-talk healthy, productive, and caring.